Sunday, July 22, 2012

Fifty Things About Fifty Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Crap Grey

Caution: Spoilers, content and language, don’t read if you haven’t read the book!

When I heard the buzz about 50 Shades of Grey and everyone talking about how amazing, sexy and hot it was, I was like “wow I’ve got to read this fantastic book, NOW!” After all, who doesn’t want to learn read about BDSM, right?

Oh boy!  I read it over the course of two weeks. It wasn’t really a long book; I’ve read more than that in a couple of days.  Here are a few 50 things (good and bad) about the novel and possible movie that I would like to point out:

1.    I started reading this book without knowing much about it, except that it was book about sex.  So my opinion was unbiased at the beginning.

2.    It borrowed from the Twilight fan base to promote the book. Now, I am not a fan of The Twilight movies or books at all (Harry Potter all the way baby!), but I thought well, it’s more adult, and supposedly more “realistic”.

3.    NOT REALISTIC, or should I say it's just as realistic as the Invisible Pink Unicorn.

4.    Okay, half the books I read are not realistic (Harry Potter, anyone?), but I thought I would give this a chance because EVERYONE said it was good.

5.    I give the author, E. L. James thumbs up for being smart and making her books famous by practically writing the sex relationship of Edward and Bella, if they had one and with different names.

6.    Romanticized names like Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, I am okay with that. 

7.    Repetitive, repetitive, did I mention it’s repetitive?

8.    And by repetitive I mean I could tell you the whole story in one paragraph. If you want to read the whole book in a quick, simple way, read the description on the back the book.

9.    I think half of the book was about how beautiful Christian Grey is, and detailed descriptions on how his pants hang at the waist.

10.    The other half is sex.

11.    Hot, dirty, sweaty, playful, naughty sex.

12.    Sex that involves spanking, tying to the beds, beads, and a “Red Room of Pain.”

13.    Christian Gray is a self-made billionaire; yes BILLIONAIRE, at the tender age of 27.

14.    Other great qualities he possesses:  philanthropist, smart, cares about Anastasia, has a HUGE penis… that’s about it.

15.    He’s also “fifty-shades of fucked up” (whatever that means), because he had a difficult childhood, and a somehow different start at sex than the average folk.

16.    Grey’s personality is very controlling.

17.    Anastasia Steele is a 22 year-old virgin, fresh out of college, with beautiful skin and a smart mouth, “not a submissive bone in her” and no apparent gag reflex. She is also very clumsy, though she’s only shown to be clumsy once or twice in the book.

18.    Christian likes her for the qualities above, and the fact that she’s so innocent. What a creep!

19.    Okay, so they meet, they feel attracted to each other and then Christian proceeds to explain about his particular sexual preferences. Christian then formulates this contract in which everything about how their relationship should be and what it implies is described.  Anastasia feels a little scared and confused.

20.    And by everything, I mean, EVERYTHING: the way she dresses, what and how she eats, exercises, if she hangs out with anyone, how she sleeps, what she does with her body and more for a period of three months.

21.    Christian doesn’t “make love”, he “fucks hard”. He also doesn’t sleep with anyone and doesn’t like to be touched. He sounds like a keeper!

22.    All his employees are beautiful, tall, blond women.

23.    He buys Anastasia books worth $14,000, a Blackberry phone, a Mac Laptop, an Audi and enough clothes to fill up a huge closet, takes her on helicopter rides, and upgrades her trips on airplanes to first class. What a sweet guy!

24.    They exchange emails all the time, and he replies almost immediately. I mean when does this guy work? Maybe he doesn’t, after all he already has all this money (there are a couple of times when he’s on the phone talking about business, and business meetings).

25.    This book is written in 2011. So pretty modern right? OMG, the dialogue. I could not stop noticing how nobody talks like they do in today’s world or who knows there might be someone out there.  For example:

-    “Would you like some more wine?”
-    “I have to drive.”
-    “Some water then?”
I nod.
-    “Still or Sparkling?”
-    “Sparkling, please.”
-    “You’re very quiet”
-    “You’re very verbose”

26.    Anastasia Steele is twenty-two, yet she refers to her vagina as “down there” or simply “there.”

27.    She has a subconscious and an “inner goddess.” I frankly find this super ridiculous and two extra characters that were unnecessary in the story.  I giggled every time she said “My inner goddess is jumping up and down” and “my subconscious is rolling her eyes at me”.  Really?

28.    She had never felt sexually attracted to anyone in any way, until she met Grey.

29.    Christian Grey has more mood swings than a girl on her period.

30.    Anastasia is called Ana by her family and friends. Makes sense right? Just like Allisons are called Ally, and Margarets are called Maggie, and Josephs are called Joe. But for some reason Christian is always calling her Anastasia, Miss Steele. Really?

31.    I mean, that’s okay if you don’t know someone, but to call them that after they have already done the dirty? I’d be offended.

32.    Miss Steele is apparently anorexic.  Many parts of the book are about decisions with food.

33.    She also suffers from low self-esteem or something. Who would want to be with a guy who doesn’t like to cuddle?

34.    The book is so long with too many unnecessary details.

35.    Although the book’s writing style is generally cheesy, it can be entertaining at times.

36.    Grey has some sort of slave… okay not slave, but confidant or trusted employee a la Alfred Pennyworth, and who comes across as a stalker of Grey Taylor is his name, and he's always there at the right place and the right time.

37.    He also buys Ana’s underwear.

38.    Gray is apparently good at everything: business, literature, wine connoisseur, flying, dancing, fucking and playing music.

39.    Maybe I didn’t like it as much as I would’ve had I been older. After all this is called “mommy porn.”

40.    The book is romantic at times, but then Christian opens his mouth…

41.    I was hoping it would get better three quarters into the book. IT DIDN’T.  At which point I thought, I might as well finish it.


43.    Wait, they’re going to make a movie about this too?

44.    American audiences are usually a little hesitant when it comes to anything sex. I wonder how the movie is going to work. I mean reading a porn book with no images (only mental ones) is totally different than going to the theater to watch it.

45.    The ending of the book, though many would say it is a cliffhanger, did nothing for me.

46.    I don’t think I will be reading “Fifty Shades Darker” and “Fifty Shades Freed”.

47.    I mean, the book isn’t bad (after all, it has sold more than a gazillion copies in all over the universe and beyond), just not my type of reading. Too slow, predictable and cheesy.

48.    I think I’d watch the movie if it was a done deal. Two hours of this, minus the excruciating details. I’ll take it. Plus I’d be curious who would be playing the characters!

49.    Anastasia is described as having brown, hard-to manage hair, and “eyes too big for her face.” I’m thinking Amanda Seyfried would be a good person to play her.

50.    Who would be the super creepy, disgustingly handsome, fucked-up Christian Grey? Oh man, well, I think Channing Tatum would be a good choice. After all, he already has the stripper movie in his repertoire. What’s another sexy movie? Or Ryan Gosling.  He seems to have more experience playing characters with volatile personalities (Drive?). 

What did you think of the book? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Who would be your picks for the characters?

Disclaimer: This are my own views and experiences, yours might be different from mine. Picture credit: